Tell me I am not the first Mom to blog about how happy I am that my children have gone back to school.  My friend asked me the first day of school how my summer vacation had gone, and I told her the truth: it was good until The End.  I love summer vacation as much as the next person, but as they say, all good things must come to an end.  And The End should happen sometime before the teasing, taunting, crying and full-scale fisticuffs and war begin.  I am referring to the behavior of my two children (except for the crying part, that was me), and their inability to get along the last two weeks of summer vacation.  The arguing, whining, fighting and crying (again me) were exhausting, and now it’s all over–at least between the hours of 8 a.m. and 2:30 p.m.  I like to refer to that as quiet time or detente. 

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To control or not to control.  That is the question my husband asked himself as he watched our child watering the plants in the backyard one evening.  Watering the garden is the chore of my 8-year-old son.  He makes watering the garden a full-time job and, amazingly enough, the plants don’t get watered.  He is soaked by the end of the process, but the poor plants are parched!  My husband didn’t want to be a micro-manager (our son needs to learn responsibility and the satisfaction of completing a task on his own) but the process of watering (or not watering) employed by my son was not winning him a gold star on the chore chart.  I suggested he hold the hose on each plant for the count of 10.  This tactic seemed to do the trick.  More water on the plants, less water on the boy.  Good, now we’re getting somewhere.  As time went on, he began to throw in some fancy moves, spraying from left to right, up and down, and funny walking from plant to plant.  Unfortunately, these shenanigans again resulted in wet boy, not so wet plants. To get the watering process back on track, my husband asked, ”What are you doing?” 

“I am a super model on an alien world!” said the boy.  

At that point, my husband gave up.  He realized the futililty of trying to micro-manage a super model on another planet!

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I’m not sure when it happened, or how, but my home has turned into a Bed and Breakfast, or something resembling one.  The biggest difference is that the guests never leave–and, tips are nonexistent!  I feel like a parlor maid on the go from sun up until sun down.  I follow my “guests” around all day, taking orders, picking up after them, refilling glasses, fetching snacks…you get the picture.  I am so done with this.  “I’m your mother, not your maid,” I said to them through gritted teeth.  The blank stares in return spoke volumes.  Where did I go wrong?  How can I right this situation? At what point does a Mother’s role change from taking care of her children to helping them take care of themselves?  I think I’ve reached that point.  I think it’s never too early for children to learn responsibility and self reliance–or else!  Because I’m changing my title from Inn Keeper to General.  And I run a tight ship, er platoon! 

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The end of summer is just around the corner for kids as the last weeks of August quickly approach.  If you’re like me, you are running short on fun things to do to keep your children from killing each other.  You’ve already been to the zoo a dozen times, the water park, and the aquarium.  As the carefree days of summer dwindle away, so do your fun and entertaining options, which were all used up in June and July. Well, I found a place to visit today that my children absolutely loved, and I have to admit, I enjoyed it myself.  And, the cost for this excellent adventure, you may wonder, was nothing.  NOTHING.  Which in working mom/working dad/working family-speak means priceless. We toured a factory that made jelly beans, and guess what?  At the end of the tour, they gave each of us a free bag of candy!  The adventure offered something for everyone: lots of mechanical devices and robots (the 10 year old), CANDY (the eight year old), and two happy boys (me).  I encourage you to try something different for entertainment–you just might spend nothing and enjoy a lot!

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I recently returned from a trip to the Deep Fried South for my high school reunion.  Of course, the ice-breaker question to ask someone you haven’t seen in a number of years is “what do you do?” Since I have recently returned to the world of Work after a decade of dirty diapers and runny noses, I found it personally uplifting to answer the question of “what do you do?” with “marketing projects, writing, same stuff I did before kids.” Oh, yeah, I also take care of two young boys, a grown man (the equivalent of two more young boys) and a puppy, over-volunteer at elementary school, and work part-time from home. ”What do you do?” The most interesting answer I got to that question was–I swear on my Buccaneer High School yearbook–Dumpster Dive. “Pardon me,” I said.  What I thought was “Holy Crap! Are you kidding me!?” and “Shouldn’t you lower your voice lest others hear you?”  Well, let me tell you, she was serious.  In her cute little Southern accent, she proceeded to tell me all about waking up at 3:30 a.m. on garbage day and hitting the streets before the trucks rolled through.  She had finely honed her observational skills and could tell the difference between a hefty bag full of yard cuttings and one full of cast-off treasures from a block away.  She was proud to report that she had found a number of beautiful items including a lamp, candlesticks and school uniforms for her son among the various bags of crap she had collected.  “You wouldn’t believe what people throw away,” she told me.  Mostly I didn’t believe she picked it up and took it home. “Why do you do it?” I asked her, and she replied, “I got tired of going to garage sales.” 

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Last Friday was a great day. 42 Rules for Working Moms was featured on “View from the Bay” a local ABC afternoon talk show hosted by Spencer Christian from Good Morning America. It was a hoot! The segment focused on balancing the tug of war between life and career. We talked about several of our rules and were able to reach a much broader audience. Spencer mentioned several rules he really liked…”Have Sex”, “East Meals Together” and “Observe the Peace”.

To check out the segment online visit View from the Bay.

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Susan Guerrero, is a parent and educator and has written several plays concerning women’s issues and been a contributor and editor for Poets for Peace and Words of Women.

As a single working mother, I am responsible for 501 children. Four of them I gave birth to: triplet daughters and a son. By all rights I should live in a shoe except that unlike the old woman who did, I know exactly what to do. As an elementary school principal, and a parent, I love every child I work with like they are my own. I never give up on learning how to serve them and the community better. In fact I make it a rule never to give up on anything, especially myself.

Years ago as a young married woman wanting to start a family, I was told I would never have a child. Initially my doctor was right. Instead I had three. Three months after the girls were born I was getting a divorce and facing the reality of having no husband, no job and no prospects. I had to go on welfare and was constantly told, “You will never amount to anything.”

My choice was to either get lost in the social welfare system or to fight to redefine it. I decided not to give up. I figured that as someone who could breast feed two babies at a time while also alternating a third, I had multi-tasking skills that could be utilized to my advantage. I also had an extended family that loved and supported me, and a community that embraced my children and I as their own special project. This was important to me then and remains vital to me now. Who I am as a both a parent and a professional educator resulted from the things I experienced. My experiences taught me that there are always choices and possible solutions, but you won’t find them if you give up.

It was humiliating to be on welfare. At every turn there were many people who made sure to verbally insult and judge me. Former friends, acquaintances, even professors at the college I attended questioned the choices I made as a parent. “Why are you leaving your children to go to class?” “Shouldn’t you be working?” “Why did you bring these children to class?” “Shouldn’t you be at home?” “You should quit.”

On the other hand I also met people who encouraged and assisted me, guiding me toward programs to help me stay in college and pay for it. One of these people, Pam, was an amazing woman I met through the “Mothers of Twins.” Pam, an African American mother of triplets, was also on welfare. She had triplet babies almost the same age as my daughters, as well as an older child. Pam didn’t have the kind of support I did from family and neighbors, yet she would not give up. Her tenacity inspired mine. Her mantra was “I will succeed.”

The day I succeeded in graduating from college my toddler daughters stood on the hill of the stadium with a sign that read: “We’re proud of our graduate mommy.” It’s a memory they often refer to when sharing their doubts about their own education or life choices. Education was important to me then, and so it remains the center of my life even after 20 years as an educator. Everyday, I know in the deepest part of myself that women, especially mothers, must never give up on themselves in order to be there for their children. Whether our work is in our homes, our communities or a place of business we need to continually develop ourselves without fail.

This June, I will be standing with my son holding signs for my daughters who are graduating from college. Their signs will read “Never Give Up!”

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As I hope you know, $1 from the sale of each “42 Rules for Working Moms” book is going to an organization called Dress for Success (DFS). They are a non-profit organization that helps women in crisis re-enter the workplace with confidence, purpose and style. Not only do they “suite” these women (provide them suites, business attire and accessories) but they provide support in the form of the Professional Womens Group (PWG) in their affiliate cities.

I was fortunate enough to speak to the San Francisco PWG group the first week in July. These women are an inspiration - they are trying so hard to make it. And DFS and PWG and providing them the support they need to be successful.

Last night was the San Francisco DFS annual fundraiser. I was lucky enough to attend with three of the contributing moms (Rule #14, Rule #15 and Rule #40). It was wonderful to see the women from the SF-PWG and to support such a wonderful organization.

One of the special guests was Nick Verreos from Project Runway Season 2. I have to admit that Project Runway is one of my guilty pleasures and I was thrilled to meet Nick. He complimented me on my dress ( “a nice little wrappy thing”) and asked if it was Diane Von Furstenburg. Ha! I proudly told him it was from TARGET. Hey girfriends…I’m a working mom with two kids…I shop at Target and love it! My sister and I agree, that more often than not, when we get compliments on our outfits they are usually from Target.

Anyway, I’m proud to be sponsoring DFS And encourage everyone to check them out.

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After I read Rule #35 Don’t Buy the Wipe Warmers, I was compelled to write this blog. 

What kind of a mother am I if I didn’t even consider buying a wipe warmer?  Both of my sons had to suffer through frigid scrubbings with cold wipies in the middle of the night and day.  Honestly, I never considered the fact that cold or room-temperature wipes would be uncomfortable or harmful in anyway.  I have to admit there was the occasional “loose hose” incident, but I lay the blame on the hoses (I do have boys) not the polar temperature of the wipes, which may or may not have induced a torrent of urine in the direction of me and the wall behind the changing table.  Let’s just say I took my chances with the cold wet wipes and learned how to shield and change my boys’ diapers very quickly.

My boys are now 10 and 8 years old, so I have a decade of experience at this point, and I can confidently announce that wipe warmers are not necessary. But when I was a first-time mom, I wasn’t as confident and self assured as I am now.  My friend and I both delivered our first child on the same day, and we both had boys.  She swore by the wipe warmers and couldn’t believe I didn’t have one.  “I keep one upstairs and one downstairs.  I can’t imagine ever putting a cold wipe on my precious son’s butt.” She also sterilized and sanitized all of the bottles, gumming rings, and anything likely to touch the lips or gums of her child for the first year of his life. I assured her my pediatrician told me that hot water and dishsoap were fine for cleaning bottles, but she decided not to take any chances.  Publicly, I applauded her efforts. Privately, I wondered if I was a bad mom for not spending hours over the stovetop boiling bottles and nipples.  Then, my sleep deprived brain kicked into gear, and I realized I needed to do what was best for me and my son and to trust my newly-developed mother’s instincts (with a liberal dose of wisdom from my pediatrician). 

I confess:  in a moment of sheer desperation and sleep deprivation, I bought the soothing sounds bunny–a lovely stuffed bunny with glassy blue eyes that had a device in its tummy that made soothing sounds of the womb.  It was guaranteed to calm any fussy newborn with the soft sounds of a beating heart and the swooshing noises of the womb.  I really wanted it to work–I really NEEDED it to work.  It became my “wipe warmer.” And, like all new moms I realized that being susceptible to gimmicks and gadgets was OK.  Afterall, they just might work.

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Kyra Posma is a 37-year-old wife and mother, married 10 years.  She and her husband have two sons ages four and six. 

As a mother I worry about my children’s health, safety, and happiness. Additionally, as a working mom, I worry how my work schedule affects them.  I work out of necessity and do not allow myself to feel guilty. In fact I enjoy working and at times I think even if I had a choice, I would still work.  I do, on the other hand, make a conscious effort to try and minimize any affect of our daily routine.  As we all know, the daily grind can be exhausting, especially for children.

I started to read the book “Parenting from the Inside Out” by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., and Mary Hartzell, M. Ed., and came across the following quote:

“Children need to be enjoyed and valued, not managed.”

When I first read this, I thought; “What a powerful statement.”  As I read it over and over, I realized, the first part is easy. Everyone loves and values their children.  The second part is harder. 

As a working mom, I thought how can I not manage them?  If I didn’t manage them, I would not get to work on time, they wouldn’t get to school on time, homework wouldn’t get done, dinner wouldn’t get made.  As I thought about this statement more, I realized that by over-managing my children, I am taking away the very essence of being a child.  Rather than letting them play hide and seek with me, helping them get dressed, looking at the snow, or even picking out a different shirt, I found myself rushing them. 

“Hurry Up, we’re running late.”  “Don’t jump on the bed”.  “Stop fooling around”.  “Sit down and eat”.  These are all too familiar phrases heard around our house in the morning. Often times by the time I got to work, I was so frustrated I was ready to explode, and the day was just starting. Imagine how they felt.  

So I started getting up earlier.  I noticed on the days where I don’t rush the children, allow them to enjoy waking up, limit hovering over them to make sure we are keeping to schedule, we all start the day in a better mood. I also notice on the days that I do rush out of the house, I end up in traffic or behind a school bus anyway.  Either way I end up at work at the same time, so why not make our time pleasurable.

I started to see the rewards of my new approach almost immediately.  One day, my son had learned to tie his shoes while at school.  The next morning he wanted to show me how he could tie his shoes by himself. Since he just started, he was having problems and it was taking several minutes.  Before my new-found attitude, I would have taken over and tied his shoes for him so we could get in the car. On this day, however, I said to myself “When I get there I will get there,” and patiently and excitedly observed him.  When he was done, he was so proud of himself, as was I.  He went to school proud and excited to show everyone.  

The bottom line is time management – of your time, not your children’s. Give yourself the time to enjoy being with your children while they are growing up.  Cherish those great experiences and create the magical memories.  Make sure to give yourself enough time so you allow your children the time to be just that, children. Their agenda is completely different than ours, and if we valued them, we would allocate our time so that we can honor what is important to them, being a child.  I now find that I enjoy being one with them. 

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